She's Blonde

In the past 2 weeks I have had five different people describe another female favorably by stating she is blonde somewhere in the description. "My cousin is beautiful, blonde hair and blue eyes." "She is so pretty with that blonde hair and all." "She has so much going for her..... she's blonde." You get the idea. While I know each of those comments was said innocently, I found myself wondering if any of those people had an awareness of the bias they were covertly showing. I wanted to say, so is it being blonde that makes her attractive, or is it the whole package? If she had brown hair, would she be described as equally attractive? It wasn't just that it was being used to describe what is attractive, but was clearly stated in a way that depicted value. As a dark curly haired "ethnic" looking Jew, I quickly go down the road of feeling different and a bit vulnerable. My immediate association when I hear those comments is that they are describing and valuing an Aryn look. A look that is so far away from how I look, and one that his such deep seated racial/antisemitic undercurrents for me. I know it is a little crazy that a handful of people using the word blond synonymously with attractive and valued, makes be think about Hitler, but I don't think I am totally off base. I do realize that there are also lots of degrading blonde jokes in constant circulation. But, most of the blondes depicted in these distasteful jokes are beautiful one's, whether it is shown in print, a character sketch, or the tellers own imagination. While they are being put down in the jokes, I still get the idea by many men that these women are still preferred. Maybe it's me?

So where am I going with this rant???? As I stated, I do not look like what our culture defines as beautiful. I do know that many people are attracted to dark hair and that there are lots of different factors that go into what we consider attractive. What I am talking about is the deeper unconscious beliefs we have about beauty and value. I know I spent a good portion of my life HATING my curly hair and feeling bad about my appearance. There are lots of factors that played into my insecurities about the way I looked, and it was certainly not limited to my hair. It's just that while I fit in on the surface, I often felt very different. I grew up getting constant questions about my ethnicity from strangers. In my more Jewish circles this was a non issue, but in the rest of my life I sometimes got singled out in ways that often didn't feel good. As a grown up, I have made peace with myself and my appearance. I value difference and define (external) beauty with a wide lens. Our culture plays a huge role in the identity development of young girls. Hair color plays only one small part in this. We have made progress in valuing internal qualities and intellect in women, not just appearance, but old beliefs die hard.

As a white Jewish single mother of a adopted Chinese daughter with a repaired cleft lip I am constantly thinking about these types of issues and comments, even the subtle "blonde" ones. It is too early to tell what things will stand out for my daughter and cause her to feel insecure or different. I have a long list of the possibilities, but certainly don't want to decide for her. I can only hope that the more I surround her with diversity(not just talking race), the more she will get the message that there is no "perfect" ideal look, situation, or family. But I am also committed to not being naive about the sneaky ways some of these messages can work their way into our psyches.

Ok, I'm finished.