Parenting with the Shadow

In my professional life as a Therapist I spend a lot of time thinking about "the Shadow". For those of you not familiar with it, the concept came out of the work of Carl Jung. Basically, it is the not so attractive part of us. It is the part that we try to disown or distance from, in order to feel ok. Probably a bit more complicated than that, but this is the part that relates to the deep tangents going on in my head today.

In order to feel whole, I believe that we have to be able to embrace BOTH our shadow and light (the "acceptable" stuff) parts of ourselves. As human beings, we are all comprised of both positive /(over) developed parts and negative / underdeveloped parts. From a very young age we learn that the positive, appealing, attractive and socially acceptable parts parts are "good" and the negative stuff is "bad". Most of us want to be accepted and liked by others - starting with our parents- so we quickly learn which face to show and what parts of ourselves to hide. Eventually, most of us perfect this and disown those shadow parts. The problem is, deep down in we know those shadow parts are there, even when we try to pretend and convince ourselves they are not. With this comes shame - behind the mask we worry that we are really not ok or lovable.

A lot of my work as a therapist is in helping people deal with that shame. People have all kinds of strategies they employ to distance from the shame of that shadow. Some of those strategies look good (overachievement, in particular) and others are clearly not (addictions). But at the end of the day, most of these people want to be loved and accepted, and have a core belief that their "flaws" keep them from getting what they want. In my opinion, the solution is in embracing that part of them that they pretend/wish was not there, rather than figuring out how to get rid of it forever. The wholeness comes from seeing who you fully are, accepting the positive and negative, and letting go of the fallacy that were are not supposed to have or feel anything negative.

As a parent I (painfully) accept that there are ways I will inadvertently hurt my daughter, since I am not a perfect, all-knowing, human being. With that said, I strive to think about the ways I can give my daughter a positive sense of herself and come through her childhood with the least wounding possible. I am totally against the "all kids get a trophy" mentality, as I believe that important lessons are learned by learning to deal with disappointment and learning that you are not the best (nor need you be) at everything. Natural consequences and being able to look into a real life mirror are crucial, in my opinion, to REALLY seeing oneself. The way the adults in that child's life respond to this image has a huge impact. For me, my responses in the big situations feel fairly clear. It's the day-to-day small stuff that cause me to struggle.

I look at my little girl and see the freedom in which she expresses her joy and enthusiasm. I also see how important it is for her to please me. At 3 years old, I see how quickly she morphs if she senses my disappointment or disapproval. I'm sure that happens over and over again, all day long, at school and at home. I give her time outs when she doesn't listen. I sometimes raise my voice if she is displeasing me. While I cannot control the aspects of her self esteem that come with her history of abandonment and institutional care, I do feel a sense of responsibility for the rest. I am watching as the "good self" starts to emerge, and the less accepted parts start to hide. I am already contributing to her sense what is ok....or is it what makes her ok? Sure I tell her it is her behaviors, and not her, that I am angry with, but what concerns me is a bit bigger than that. How do I raise a happy, healthy, contributing member of society AND help her feel whole with both her positive and negative traits. How do I teach her that all the good things that get her praised are just as much a part of her as the impulse to be selfish, needy, and angry. That being selfish is no less human than being generous, and that most of us have both parts? How do I teach her that it is important to control certain impulses, yet she is not "bad" for having the impulse or desire? I want her to "do the right thing", but not have to pretend that the she is not someone who would ever be capable of the wrong thing. I want to have a well behaved kid, but I don't want her to grow up with the sense of shame that most people I know have for their "less attractive" human parts.

Aren't you glad you checked in today? Maybe some lighter tangents will be on he horizon in the near future. Will be curious about your thoughts. Am hoping that this one makes sense outside of my head.