Vacation

Just got back from a week in Hilton Head with my parents, brother and niece. We had a really great trip. This was our first family vacation beyond a weekend away and I must say that it was really different than the trips I have taken as a single person. Getting packed was not so easy, as it took a more mental energy and organization, than packing for myself. Beyond the things we needed to bring, it was getting those things packed in a way that was manageable for me alone at the airport with a almost 3 year old in tow. that I found most challenging. Then there was the car seat issue to think about. Gratefully, a friend turned me on to a seat that folds up (and is light to carry) into an easy carrying case that can be checked at the airport. This made the cab to and from the airport and having a rental car very manageable, even though it took time to install and un-install at each leg of the process. A was a trooper with the traveling part of the trip. As luck would have it we had a very long ways to walk at the airport for a 6:30 am flight, and she just went with the flow even though I could see how tired she was.

Once we arrived at our beautiful destination I started to experience the positive parts of traveling as a mom. Sure, it was the first vacation I actually came home more tired than when I left, but watching this new world of experiences through my daughters eyes made it all worthwhile. For the first few days in the pool and at the ocean, A had the death grip going around my neck, but by the end of our trip, she went in the water with her grandparents and would move far enough away from my body (being held) that she could move her arms and legs as if she were swimming. The hotel had these water spouts by the pool that the kids could run through and play. A quickly found joy in straddling the water as it came out of the ground. Many of the little girls seemed to gravitate towards this area, lol. The adults walking by all would get silly grins on their faces as they noticed the fascination with this experience. In addition to lots of pool and beach time, we went to a petting farm, went dolphin watching (and actually saw some), had s'mores, and just explored the area. It was my first time there, and I would definitely go back.

A had great bonding time with her grandparents and her 6 year old cousin. Usually, she only gets to see them for short periods of time, as they live in another state. This extended visit really allowed the relationships to blossom in new ways. Watching this happen brought me much joy. Before becoming a mom, I don't think I realized how cool this would be to observe. A imitated everything her older cousin did, and would run with such gusto to greet her grandparent each morning. It makes me choke up as I try to describe the love I observed happening between them all. I still can't help but thinking about A's first two years of life and the difference between then and now. She has always been joyful, but watching her trust and lean into the love, rather than away from it, is so powerful to watch. Not to mention, watching the joy in my parents faces as this unfolds.

It's not just A that is different. I, too, am seeing changes in myself. I have had wonderful opportunities to travel in my life and have really enjoyed those experiences. Over the past 5 years, though, these experiences had started to be accompanied by a bit of emptiness.... a missing piece. I had longed for a family - husband and child - and as wonderful of a time I was having, nothing could make up for what I longed for. While I still felt the yearning for a "Mr. Right", being there with A felt enriching in a new way. I didn't have the freedom to go for cocktails or whatever whim opportunity that came my way. The dining we did was much less than "fine". I was in for the night by 8:30 every night. But, none of this really mattered to me. I felt peace and calm right there in the moment. That feeling generalizes to the rest of my non-vacation life, too. As many fears and doubts I had going into this road of single motherhood, this sense of peace I have discovered though the connection with this little soul makes it all so worthwhile. There are always days that I can't wait until bedtime to get a break from the intensity of paying attention and dealing with the rapidly changing moods and demands of a toddler, but when I look at her sleeping or have that snuggling time in the morning, that peace and happiness flows over me again. So while I watch A learn to lean into love, I see myself also relax into the moment.

While the experience of adoption, motherhood and single motherhood is not all rainbows and unicorns, taking time to really appreciate the good feelings is so important. This is all such hard work. Sometimes when in it - the day in and day out stuff - it is hard to step back and see the whole picture. For me, this vacation allowed me to sit back and observe in ways that brought that big picture back to focus.

Tomorrow my little girl will be 3, so I am sure another post will soon follow.