One of the things I am learning about my daughter is how observant she is. I have no idea if this is a result of orphanage life, or if this is just her innate nature. My guess is that it results from a combination of the two. As I have talked about before, A's speech is really delayed. It is very frustrating, at times, to see a three year old, yet not be able to verbally communicate with one another very easily. She is quite effective in getting her needs met, but it is, more often than not, through nonverbal means. What I am also observing is that A seems to learn best visually, rather than through listening. I don't know if this will change as she gets more comfortable and proficient with language, or if this will always be her learning style. It keeps me on my toes, as my style is to be much more verbal. It's not that she isn't understanding, as her receptive language is much more on track than her expressive. It's more that I find myself stunned with the things she knows through observation, yet the repetition of verbal things seem to take forever to sink in. Sometimes she just seems to tune out, when I know her hearing is fine. I believe some of this IS related to being delayed with language, but not all of it.
As I have said, I find myself surprised with the things A knows. We were at the grocery store and she pointed to the deodorant and lifted her arm pretending to put it on. I'm wasn't even aware she has paid attention to my doing this. Over the weekend we were visiting my folks. My mom was getting ready for a party and windexed a glass table. A made it clear to her that she forgot to wipe the bottom of the glass, and not just the top. Again, I'm not even fully conscious of doing this, yet she knows that this is the way I do it. Of course, it was a little horrifying to hear her yell "coooommmmmeee on" and shake her arm in the air when the traffic light turned green and the car in front of us didn't go right away. She did this appropriately, and not just randomly. I could do without that little mirror of my impatient side, LOL. I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Maybe this is all 3 year olds and I'm overly impressed for nothing. But the fact that I can rely on so little verbally from her, it catches me off guard (in an impressed way) when these things come out, as I just don't always know how much she is observing/learning.
I will save the bulk of this thought for another post, but it resonates so much with things I have been pondering about how to raise a child who is comfortable with the quiet. Our culture is so busy and so distracted all of the time. We have so many gadgets and things to absorb our focus and take us away from our selves. I find myself having to work hard to be present and in the moment, at times. I see so many people driving around with their DVD players on for their kids in the backseat. I do this for long road trips, but that is it. I notice how much my daughter looks out the window and notices every little thing from a plane in the sky to the mailboxes we pass. She almost always spots things well before I do. I can almost see her soaking up her world as we drive. I hope she always goes through life taking it all in, rather than the tunnel vision of distraction. I hope that her preference for learning through watching, will somehow help her choose to stay grounded in the present. While I, too, am very observant, I feel she is also teaching me so many important things.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Mommy guilt
I know most moms have a bit of mommy guilt, as I have heard people talking about it for years. I also observe it in those parents who are busy judging other parents for things that they don't do perfectly, as I really believe critical people generally feel pretty inadequate themselves. I am truly a believe in being a "good enough" parent, as none of us is perfect, and this is way to complex of a task to fully master without fault. Yet even with this concept in mind, I still feel the nagging call of the mommy guilt on almost a daily basis.
As I talked about in my last post, I am trying really hard to think about the messages I send my daughter about her actions and attitudes. However, there are just some days that I find myself just reacting and not caring. These days are sure to bring on a case of the mommy guilts. A is very strong willed, but she doesn't act up very often. I know I am lucky in that. When she does have a tantrum or misbehave, she generally does well with time outs and redirection. Over the past few months, however, she has been testing the limits a bit more and pushing back. There are some days that I get locked in and want to win at all costs. I admit it, I can go there. Looking back on our worst moments, I would say that 75% of them are escalated by me. Aren't I supposed to be the one diffusing???? Sometimes when A gets nervous (when I get angry with her) she laughs and in the moment that drives me crazy. In the moment all I want her to do is listen and "get it", yet she looks away and laughs. Hard for me to remember that that laughing IS her getting it, but sometimes when it is happening I am just not sure. Immediately when it is over I feel tremendous guilt. I could have handled things differently. I didn't need to be reactive and / or raise my voice. I am "supposed to be" calm and unemotional when I tell her to take her time out. Blah, blah, blah. The whole things usually last no more than 10-15 minutes start to finish, and we end up loving on each other as usual. But I walk away swearing that next time I will remember that there are different ways of "winning" and there are alternative routes to take.
I am also feeling a bit guilty about my girl not having a daddy. I do not regret for a second going ahead with this adoption on my own, but I find that it would be nice for her to have someone with opposite strengths be available for her where I fall short. I have no delusion about being a superwoman. I do a lot for A and provide a pretty balanced life, but there are many areas where I am lacking and she misses out. I see my friends husbands do things with there kids (and A when we are over) that would just never occur to me to do, or are things I am just not able to do. There are also tasks that I have to do around the house (which I hate) that would be great to allow her to participate in. But sometimes when I am feeling the burden of doing it all myself, that last thing I want is a little helper underfoot. I know she would enjoy helping, but I find myself too testy, or incompetent at the task at hand, to be patient. Again, the mommy guilt comes once I have finished the task and think about the little ways I could have involved her that would have made her happy. But sometimes I just need to get the darn tasks done and am too tired to think creatively. In addition to the obvious stuff that a daddy could provide, I feel that having a partner would lighten my load and allow for a little more playfulness with certain chores. I'm certain there are many of you with husband who may disagree, LOL.
I know neither of these issues are earth shattering and that for the most part things go well. A continues to appear confident and well adjusted, so I try not to take it to heart too much of the time. But there are those moments when she is sleeping peacefully, or I have dropped her at daycare for the day, when I think to myself "tomorrow I will be a better mom." I intellectually know I am in good company with this thought, but sometimes it helps to know it's true.
As I talked about in my last post, I am trying really hard to think about the messages I send my daughter about her actions and attitudes. However, there are just some days that I find myself just reacting and not caring. These days are sure to bring on a case of the mommy guilts. A is very strong willed, but she doesn't act up very often. I know I am lucky in that. When she does have a tantrum or misbehave, she generally does well with time outs and redirection. Over the past few months, however, she has been testing the limits a bit more and pushing back. There are some days that I get locked in and want to win at all costs. I admit it, I can go there. Looking back on our worst moments, I would say that 75% of them are escalated by me. Aren't I supposed to be the one diffusing???? Sometimes when A gets nervous (when I get angry with her) she laughs and in the moment that drives me crazy. In the moment all I want her to do is listen and "get it", yet she looks away and laughs. Hard for me to remember that that laughing IS her getting it, but sometimes when it is happening I am just not sure. Immediately when it is over I feel tremendous guilt. I could have handled things differently. I didn't need to be reactive and / or raise my voice. I am "supposed to be" calm and unemotional when I tell her to take her time out. Blah, blah, blah. The whole things usually last no more than 10-15 minutes start to finish, and we end up loving on each other as usual. But I walk away swearing that next time I will remember that there are different ways of "winning" and there are alternative routes to take.
I am also feeling a bit guilty about my girl not having a daddy. I do not regret for a second going ahead with this adoption on my own, but I find that it would be nice for her to have someone with opposite strengths be available for her where I fall short. I have no delusion about being a superwoman. I do a lot for A and provide a pretty balanced life, but there are many areas where I am lacking and she misses out. I see my friends husbands do things with there kids (and A when we are over) that would just never occur to me to do, or are things I am just not able to do. There are also tasks that I have to do around the house (which I hate) that would be great to allow her to participate in. But sometimes when I am feeling the burden of doing it all myself, that last thing I want is a little helper underfoot. I know she would enjoy helping, but I find myself too testy, or incompetent at the task at hand, to be patient. Again, the mommy guilt comes once I have finished the task and think about the little ways I could have involved her that would have made her happy. But sometimes I just need to get the darn tasks done and am too tired to think creatively. In addition to the obvious stuff that a daddy could provide, I feel that having a partner would lighten my load and allow for a little more playfulness with certain chores. I'm certain there are many of you with husband who may disagree, LOL.
I know neither of these issues are earth shattering and that for the most part things go well. A continues to appear confident and well adjusted, so I try not to take it to heart too much of the time. But there are those moments when she is sleeping peacefully, or I have dropped her at daycare for the day, when I think to myself "tomorrow I will be a better mom." I intellectually know I am in good company with this thought, but sometimes it helps to know it's true.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Parenting with the Shadow
In my professional life as a Therapist I spend a lot of time thinking about "the Shadow". For those of you not familiar with it, the concept came out of the work of Carl Jung. Basically, it is the not so attractive part of us. It is the part that we try to disown or distance from, in order to feel ok. Probably a bit more complicated than that, but this is the part that relates to the deep tangents going on in my head today.
In order to feel whole, I believe that we have to be able to embrace BOTH our shadow and light (the "acceptable" stuff) parts of ourselves. As human beings, we are all comprised of both positive /(over) developed parts and negative / underdeveloped parts. From a very young age we learn that the positive, appealing, attractive and socially acceptable parts parts are "good" and the negative stuff is "bad". Most of us want to be accepted and liked by others - starting with our parents- so we quickly learn which face to show and what parts of ourselves to hide. Eventually, most of us perfect this and disown those shadow parts. The problem is, deep down in we know those shadow parts are there, even when we try to pretend and convince ourselves they are not. With this comes shame - behind the mask we worry that we are really not ok or lovable.
A lot of my work as a therapist is in helping people deal with that shame. People have all kinds of strategies they employ to distance from the shame of that shadow. Some of those strategies look good (overachievement, in particular) and others are clearly not (addictions). But at the end of the day, most of these people want to be loved and accepted, and have a core belief that their "flaws" keep them from getting what they want. In my opinion, the solution is in embracing that part of them that they pretend/wish was not there, rather than figuring out how to get rid of it forever. The wholeness comes from seeing who you fully are, accepting the positive and negative, and letting go of the fallacy that were are not supposed to have or feel anything negative.
As a parent I (painfully) accept that there are ways I will inadvertently hurt my daughter, since I am not a perfect, all-knowing, human being. With that said, I strive to think about the ways I can give my daughter a positive sense of herself and come through her childhood with the least wounding possible. I am totally against the "all kids get a trophy" mentality, as I believe that important lessons are learned by learning to deal with disappointment and learning that you are not the best (nor need you be) at everything. Natural consequences and being able to look into a real life mirror are crucial, in my opinion, to REALLY seeing oneself. The way the adults in that child's life respond to this image has a huge impact. For me, my responses in the big situations feel fairly clear. It's the day-to-day small stuff that cause me to struggle.
I look at my little girl and see the freedom in which she expresses her joy and enthusiasm. I also see how important it is for her to please me. At 3 years old, I see how quickly she morphs if she senses my disappointment or disapproval. I'm sure that happens over and over again, all day long, at school and at home. I give her time outs when she doesn't listen. I sometimes raise my voice if she is displeasing me. While I cannot control the aspects of her self esteem that come with her history of abandonment and institutional care, I do feel a sense of responsibility for the rest. I am watching as the "good self" starts to emerge, and the less accepted parts start to hide. I am already contributing to her sense what is ok....or is it what makes her ok? Sure I tell her it is her behaviors, and not her, that I am angry with, but what concerns me is a bit bigger than that. How do I raise a happy, healthy, contributing member of society AND help her feel whole with both her positive and negative traits. How do I teach her that all the good things that get her praised are just as much a part of her as the impulse to be selfish, needy, and angry. That being selfish is no less human than being generous, and that most of us have both parts? How do I teach her that it is important to control certain impulses, yet she is not "bad" for having the impulse or desire? I want her to "do the right thing", but not have to pretend that the she is not someone who would ever be capable of the wrong thing. I want to have a well behaved kid, but I don't want her to grow up with the sense of shame that most people I know have for their "less attractive" human parts.
Aren't you glad you checked in today? Maybe some lighter tangents will be on he horizon in the near future. Will be curious about your thoughts. Am hoping that this one makes sense outside of my head.
In order to feel whole, I believe that we have to be able to embrace BOTH our shadow and light (the "acceptable" stuff) parts of ourselves. As human beings, we are all comprised of both positive /(over) developed parts and negative / underdeveloped parts. From a very young age we learn that the positive, appealing, attractive and socially acceptable parts parts are "good" and the negative stuff is "bad". Most of us want to be accepted and liked by others - starting with our parents- so we quickly learn which face to show and what parts of ourselves to hide. Eventually, most of us perfect this and disown those shadow parts. The problem is, deep down in we know those shadow parts are there, even when we try to pretend and convince ourselves they are not. With this comes shame - behind the mask we worry that we are really not ok or lovable.
A lot of my work as a therapist is in helping people deal with that shame. People have all kinds of strategies they employ to distance from the shame of that shadow. Some of those strategies look good (overachievement, in particular) and others are clearly not (addictions). But at the end of the day, most of these people want to be loved and accepted, and have a core belief that their "flaws" keep them from getting what they want. In my opinion, the solution is in embracing that part of them that they pretend/wish was not there, rather than figuring out how to get rid of it forever. The wholeness comes from seeing who you fully are, accepting the positive and negative, and letting go of the fallacy that were are not supposed to have or feel anything negative.
As a parent I (painfully) accept that there are ways I will inadvertently hurt my daughter, since I am not a perfect, all-knowing, human being. With that said, I strive to think about the ways I can give my daughter a positive sense of herself and come through her childhood with the least wounding possible. I am totally against the "all kids get a trophy" mentality, as I believe that important lessons are learned by learning to deal with disappointment and learning that you are not the best (nor need you be) at everything. Natural consequences and being able to look into a real life mirror are crucial, in my opinion, to REALLY seeing oneself. The way the adults in that child's life respond to this image has a huge impact. For me, my responses in the big situations feel fairly clear. It's the day-to-day small stuff that cause me to struggle.
I look at my little girl and see the freedom in which she expresses her joy and enthusiasm. I also see how important it is for her to please me. At 3 years old, I see how quickly she morphs if she senses my disappointment or disapproval. I'm sure that happens over and over again, all day long, at school and at home. I give her time outs when she doesn't listen. I sometimes raise my voice if she is displeasing me. While I cannot control the aspects of her self esteem that come with her history of abandonment and institutional care, I do feel a sense of responsibility for the rest. I am watching as the "good self" starts to emerge, and the less accepted parts start to hide. I am already contributing to her sense what is ok....or is it what makes her ok? Sure I tell her it is her behaviors, and not her, that I am angry with, but what concerns me is a bit bigger than that. How do I raise a happy, healthy, contributing member of society AND help her feel whole with both her positive and negative traits. How do I teach her that all the good things that get her praised are just as much a part of her as the impulse to be selfish, needy, and angry. That being selfish is no less human than being generous, and that most of us have both parts? How do I teach her that it is important to control certain impulses, yet she is not "bad" for having the impulse or desire? I want her to "do the right thing", but not have to pretend that the she is not someone who would ever be capable of the wrong thing. I want to have a well behaved kid, but I don't want her to grow up with the sense of shame that most people I know have for their "less attractive" human parts.
Aren't you glad you checked in today? Maybe some lighter tangents will be on he horizon in the near future. Will be curious about your thoughts. Am hoping that this one makes sense outside of my head.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
New Look
In the beginning I really resisted the idea of doing a blog. Once I caved into the peer pressure to get going with it, I found myself starting to really like the outlet. Before I left for China, I was sure I was going to be wrapping up my blogging days once I returned. I was mixed about sharing private details of my daughters life with others and assumed that I wouldn't have the time or the inclination to write. Again, I must admit that I was wrong about how I would feel about keeping this up. I also discovered that I had a lot more quiet time around the house after A is asleep (now that she is finally going to bed easily) than I did pre-motherhood.
While I am not a very frequent blogger, I do find that doing so helps me to organize my thoughts and reflect on such a major experience in my life. While I do end up sharing details (and now even pictures) about A's life, this blog is mostly about me and my inner world. It seems that most of my buddys post more on FB than their blogs these days. Although FB is quick and fun, I do find something nice about being able to get the fuller story when they do a blog post. I have learned so much and thought about so many new things through reading other people's blogs. The act of doing this keeps a connection alive, for me. I choose to blog because I, too, hope that my experience may mean something to some one else. I am grateful to those who have chosen to share their *real* experiences. Beyond my selfish motives for doing this, I do hope to contribute in a small way to the collective cause of reducing the isolation so easily caused by not knowing other people's less than perfect sides.
So as I have moved into year two of motherhood, I decided it was time to do a little tweaking of this space. Just because my own appearance has taken the back seat to my little cutie, my blog doesn't need to.
While I am not a very frequent blogger, I do find that doing so helps me to organize my thoughts and reflect on such a major experience in my life. While I do end up sharing details (and now even pictures) about A's life, this blog is mostly about me and my inner world. It seems that most of my buddys post more on FB than their blogs these days. Although FB is quick and fun, I do find something nice about being able to get the fuller story when they do a blog post. I have learned so much and thought about so many new things through reading other people's blogs. The act of doing this keeps a connection alive, for me. I choose to blog because I, too, hope that my experience may mean something to some one else. I am grateful to those who have chosen to share their *real* experiences. Beyond my selfish motives for doing this, I do hope to contribute in a small way to the collective cause of reducing the isolation so easily caused by not knowing other people's less than perfect sides.
So as I have moved into year two of motherhood, I decided it was time to do a little tweaking of this space. Just because my own appearance has taken the back seat to my little cutie, my blog doesn't need to.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
One year ago....
Referral Pictures:
Our First Night (5/24/08) - A looking so sad and full of grief:
Typical "A" of Today - my joyful girl:
It is so amazing to me that a whole year has passed since first meeting my little munchkin. When I think about all the changes she has made in this year, I am really blown away. Here's a rundown of some of those things:
Our First Night (5/24/08) - A looking so sad and full of grief:
Typical "A" of Today - my joyful girl:
It is so amazing to me that a whole year has passed since first meeting my little munchkin. When I think about all the changes she has made in this year, I am really blown away. Here's a rundown of some of those things:
* When I first met A at almost 25 months she weighed 20# and was 32.75 inches and is now 28# and 36.75 inches.
* She would only sleep on top of me, eventually next to me, but had to be making physical contact, and now I can just kiss her goodnight, after our bedtime ritual, and leave the room.
* In China I had to buy bottles with nipples (even though she was using sippy cups in the orphanage) because she refused to suck. She would chew on the nipples to get fluid out. Now she drinks from a cup like a big girl.
* She threw things at meals to the point that people in my travel group were afraid to sit across the table from her. She now has fairly good table manners.
* When I first met A she drooled so much that her shirt would be soaked most of the time. She wore a bib in China all the time and for months once we were home. Now she only drools on occasion, as she has strengthened her mouth muscles by talking.
* In the beginning, A wanted to be held ALL THE TIME (a true velcro girl), and now only wants to be carried when she is just waking up, wants to snuggle, is crabby or when my hands are full. We were at a Bat Mitzvah a few weeks ago and she left me to go dance with all the teenagers.
* For a long while A would only connect with me and would tune out other people in her presence. Now she runs up to people she loves and hugs them and plays with them with gusto.
* While she appeared calm on the outside, A would vomit when she became overwhelmed. She has not vomited (except for with the flu) in 7 months.
* A was not talking at all when I met her (English or Mandarin) and used grunting and pointing as her main means of communication. Now she has over 100 words and is pretty effective in letting me know what she needs.
* For several months A would not cry when she got hurt, now she has become quite the drama queen needing kisses for even a hangnail. She is also known to present a spot where she got a shot or had a boo boo months ago, looking for a bit of sympathy.
* She used to do all she could to make her world very small because new things and open spaces overwhelmed her, now A notices everything around her (even things I don't see) and loves to explore.
* In the beginning had no opinion about anything and now voices her thoughts about EVERYTHING.
* Was terrified of the bath at first, and now can't get her out.
* Was afraid of the snow, grass, and anything that moved under her feet. Now she runs and plays without paying attention to any of it.
* In the beginning A was not attached to anything. Couldn't tolerate anything in her crib and was afraid of stuffed animals. Now, each night, we must layer her two favorite blankets on top of her and place her beloved stuffed frogs on each side before her final good night kiss. If she comes to my bed in the middle of the night, all those things come with.
I'm sure there are so many more things, but this is what comes to mind today. Sometimes when I get frustrated that she doesn't talk more or gets a little more clingy than I'd like, I have to step back and see just how far A has come this year.
I am grateful beyond words for the gift of this little soul.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Joining "real life"
Yesterday was our last post placement visit with the SW, and now all the technical things related to A's adoption are finally finished. It was so nice to write that last adoption related check and it is so wonderful to have all the things in place that kids born in the US have had completed much earlier, or never had to do at all. I do realize that the issue of "adoption" will always be in our lives, as I am not talking about any of those emotional parts here, just focusing today on the meaning of being finished with the nitty gritty stuff. In less than a month we will have been home a full year. For me this is a time of looking both backwards and forward.
As I have talked about in several past posts, so much of this past year was geared towards these many tasks, medical issues, adjustment, and attachment, attachment, attachment. We have been social, don't get me wrong, but my focus has been inward on our little family of two. Now that I am feeling comfortable with A's level of trust in our connection and these things are out of the way, there is suddenly space to begin focusing on really joining life. It isn't until I sit down and write these posts that I realize how unconsciously methodically I have been living this past year, but I see it now and it really worked for us. I don't think I could have done it any differently, as really joining real life would have been a bit too overwhelming for me as a single mom with all we have faced in this past year.
When I talk about "joining life" I am really talking about simple things.....typical toddler things....nothing earth shattering. This past year I have resisted going to many birthday parties or taking classes. I don't think we were really ready for the stimulation. I had a few babysitters, but really found myself content staying in on weekend nights. I waited so long to nest that it was a relief to put A to bed and take care of things at home. Not to mention, that I was just too tired to go out.
Now things are changing, and it brings up a mixed bag of feelings for me. In many ways it is wonderful being out there doing what most other parent and toddlers are doing. We started swimming lessons and doing the b-day party circuit. A approaches so much with gusto that it is really rewarding to expose her to new things. It is fun to do these things together. It is so much of what I dreamed about in becoming a parent. But it also brings up a lot of insecurity.
The insecurity comes in at two different levels for me. First is the normal parent insecurity stuff where you compare (even though you try not to) to what other kids are able to do and how the parents do their "job". I am finding myself much more self conscious about being a single mom and a mom of child from a different culture, as I start to see us in others eyes. All the things I thought about intellectually seem different when in "real life", than when my focus was helping us both adjust to our new life. The second layer is more about adopting a toddler and playing catch up on the parenting experience learning curve. There are a lot of things I just don't know yet, whether it be birthday party or play date etiquette, or how to find out about different classes and events. They may seem like silly little things, but I hate feeling incompetent. I unrealistically think I should just know what everyone else knows. I forget they had 3 years of living to learn what they know. I feel like I just entered 3rd grade without attending first and second to accumulate knowledge. I trust, though, that some of this feeling will fall away quickly, while other parts of it just go with the "job".
In the meantime, I am also working to make some adult only social plans and making a life that is a little more balanced. It's strange to feel so tired, so insecure and so content all at the same time. Never thought I would enjoy feeling insecure, but I'd much rather feel a little pain and be able to travel along the learning curve, than feel the pain of longing that I felt for so long for this part of my life to begin.
As I have talked about in several past posts, so much of this past year was geared towards these many tasks, medical issues, adjustment, and attachment, attachment, attachment. We have been social, don't get me wrong, but my focus has been inward on our little family of two. Now that I am feeling comfortable with A's level of trust in our connection and these things are out of the way, there is suddenly space to begin focusing on really joining life. It isn't until I sit down and write these posts that I realize how unconsciously methodically I have been living this past year, but I see it now and it really worked for us. I don't think I could have done it any differently, as really joining real life would have been a bit too overwhelming for me as a single mom with all we have faced in this past year.
When I talk about "joining life" I am really talking about simple things.....typical toddler things....nothing earth shattering. This past year I have resisted going to many birthday parties or taking classes. I don't think we were really ready for the stimulation. I had a few babysitters, but really found myself content staying in on weekend nights. I waited so long to nest that it was a relief to put A to bed and take care of things at home. Not to mention, that I was just too tired to go out.
Now things are changing, and it brings up a mixed bag of feelings for me. In many ways it is wonderful being out there doing what most other parent and toddlers are doing. We started swimming lessons and doing the b-day party circuit. A approaches so much with gusto that it is really rewarding to expose her to new things. It is fun to do these things together. It is so much of what I dreamed about in becoming a parent. But it also brings up a lot of insecurity.
The insecurity comes in at two different levels for me. First is the normal parent insecurity stuff where you compare (even though you try not to) to what other kids are able to do and how the parents do their "job". I am finding myself much more self conscious about being a single mom and a mom of child from a different culture, as I start to see us in others eyes. All the things I thought about intellectually seem different when in "real life", than when my focus was helping us both adjust to our new life. The second layer is more about adopting a toddler and playing catch up on the parenting experience learning curve. There are a lot of things I just don't know yet, whether it be birthday party or play date etiquette, or how to find out about different classes and events. They may seem like silly little things, but I hate feeling incompetent. I unrealistically think I should just know what everyone else knows. I forget they had 3 years of living to learn what they know. I feel like I just entered 3rd grade without attending first and second to accumulate knowledge. I trust, though, that some of this feeling will fall away quickly, while other parts of it just go with the "job".
In the meantime, I am also working to make some adult only social plans and making a life that is a little more balanced. It's strange to feel so tired, so insecure and so content all at the same time. Never thought I would enjoy feeling insecure, but I'd much rather feel a little pain and be able to travel along the learning curve, than feel the pain of longing that I felt for so long for this part of my life to begin.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Vacation
Just got back from a week in Hilton Head with my parents, brother and niece. We had a really great trip. This was our first family vacation beyond a weekend away and I must say that it was really different than the trips I have taken as a single person. Getting packed was not so easy, as it took a more mental energy and organization, than packing for myself. Beyond the things we needed to bring, it was getting those things packed in a way that was manageable for me alone at the airport with a almost 3 year old in tow. that I found most challenging. Then there was the car seat issue to think about. Gratefully, a friend turned me on to a seat that folds up (and is light to carry) into an easy carrying case that can be checked at the airport. This made the cab to and from the airport and having a rental car very manageable, even though it took time to install and un-install at each leg of the process. A was a trooper with the traveling part of the trip. As luck would have it we had a very long ways to walk at the airport for a 6:30 am flight, and she just went with the flow even though I could see how tired she was.
Once we arrived at our beautiful destination I started to experience the positive parts of traveling as a mom. Sure, it was the first vacation I actually came home more tired than when I left, but watching this new world of experiences through my daughters eyes made it all worthwhile. For the first few days in the pool and at the ocean, A had the death grip going around my neck, but by the end of our trip, she went in the water with her grandparents and would move far enough away from my body (being held) that she could move her arms and legs as if she were swimming. The hotel had these water spouts by the pool that the kids could run through and play. A quickly found joy in straddling the water as it came out of the ground. Many of the little girls seemed to gravitate towards this area, lol. The adults walking by all would get silly grins on their faces as they noticed the fascination with this experience. In addition to lots of pool and beach time, we went to a petting farm, went dolphin watching (and actually saw some), had s'mores, and just explored the area. It was my first time there, and I would definitely go back.
A had great bonding time with her grandparents and her 6 year old cousin. Usually, she only gets to see them for short periods of time, as they live in another state. This extended visit really allowed the relationships to blossom in new ways. Watching this happen brought me much joy. Before becoming a mom, I don't think I realized how cool this would be to observe. A imitated everything her older cousin did, and would run with such gusto to greet her grandparent each morning. It makes me choke up as I try to describe the love I observed happening between them all. I still can't help but thinking about A's first two years of life and the difference between then and now. She has always been joyful, but watching her trust and lean into the love, rather than away from it, is so powerful to watch. Not to mention, watching the joy in my parents faces as this unfolds.
It's not just A that is different. I, too, am seeing changes in myself. I have had wonderful opportunities to travel in my life and have really enjoyed those experiences. Over the past 5 years, though, these experiences had started to be accompanied by a bit of emptiness.... a missing piece. I had longed for a family - husband and child - and as wonderful of a time I was having, nothing could make up for what I longed for. While I still felt the yearning for a "Mr. Right", being there with A felt enriching in a new way. I didn't have the freedom to go for cocktails or whatever whim opportunity that came my way. The dining we did was much less than "fine". I was in for the night by 8:30 every night. But, none of this really mattered to me. I felt peace and calm right there in the moment. That feeling generalizes to the rest of my non-vacation life, too. As many fears and doubts I had going into this road of single motherhood, this sense of peace I have discovered though the connection with this little soul makes it all so worthwhile. There are always days that I can't wait until bedtime to get a break from the intensity of paying attention and dealing with the rapidly changing moods and demands of a toddler, but when I look at her sleeping or have that snuggling time in the morning, that peace and happiness flows over me again. So while I watch A learn to lean into love, I see myself also relax into the moment.
While the experience of adoption, motherhood and single motherhood is not all rainbows and unicorns, taking time to really appreciate the good feelings is so important. This is all such hard work. Sometimes when in it - the day in and day out stuff - it is hard to step back and see the whole picture. For me, this vacation allowed me to sit back and observe in ways that brought that big picture back to focus.
Tomorrow my little girl will be 3, so I am sure another post will soon follow.
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